


An Incoherent Test

by Pearl_Pilots_In_Chains



Series: Of Tears and Ash [22]
Category: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys
Genre: Banter, Gen, Ridiculous dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:53:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25793947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearl_Pilots_In_Chains/pseuds/Pearl_Pilots_In_Chains
Summary: Iphicles asks Orestes something in the most excessive way imaginable.
Series: Of Tears and Ash [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1050806
Kudos: 8





	An Incoherent Test

**Author's Note:**

> This is another one of my HTLJ fics from 2018 (set in my "Of Tears and Ash" AU) that I never posted, but decided I might as well, considering the time I put into them. Once again, since I'm no longer really in the fandom, I'm backdating this to when I wrote it, so no one thinks I'm suddenly back into HTLJ.
> 
> Fair warning, much of this series was written for a friend, who was a big HTLJ fan. At this point in the series, said friend and I challenged each other to see who could write the most difficult fic to follow. This fic was one of my attempts at that very thing. I debated whether or not I should post it, but decided I might as well, considering I think it has at least some comedic value.

“Ah, my friend Orestes, it has come to the attention of the forces which play out at work in the midst of my inner mental sanctum that there is a subject upon which I feel it would be exceedingly prudent for us to spend a moment or two, at the very least, if not a longer stretch of time, so as to cover it to a degree appropriate to the topic in question, in fine discourse.Is this an activity to which you feel you could raise no substantial objections, or is it one which you so abhor that to partake in it would be an utter travesty which you shall have no part in, regardless of the consequences brought on by a choice which takes that form?Please, do not hurry needlessly to a response to my question, for doing so might only prove to work ill upon you in the long run, perhaps to the extent that it devalues the very nature of the answer which you choose to provide, in that a sufficient amount of thought may not be devoted to considering the possible options before, prior to settling on a path which you shall traverse.”

Orestes raised an eyebrow high at his companion, walking alongside him down the road.As they had for the past fortnight or so, give or take a day, they had taken on the role of rear guard for the day, allowing them a degree of privacy, given that most of the merchants who actually chose to engage in conversation with one another were further forward in the caravan.Those who drove the wagons closest to the end of the line were primarily concerned with gaining some peace and quiet as well, and focused most of their attention on the actual task of steering the horses, rather than on listening in on what the guards behind them were saying. 

Thus, Orestes and Iphicles had the freedom to discuss virtually anything they were so inclined to, so long as they did not cause too terribly much of a commotion.They had seized upon this opportunity and carried on long, rambling conversations each day, covering a diverse set of topics in a bit of detail, generally filling up any space created by their lack of knowledge on a subject which they were discussing by pointlessly bantering over semantics in a circular fashion.It would be an outright lie to claim that there was a great deal of rhyme or reason to their talks.In fact, it would likely be far more accurate to characterize the entire of their discussions as a prolonged example of absurdity in verbal communication.However, while many people would take a description of this sort to be an insult, it was quite likely that, should anyone ever choose to apply it to the conversations which they held, Orestes and Iphicles would instead interpret the remark as a compliment.They took real pride in their ability to expound meaninglessly upon practically any subject, because they viewed it as a tool.They had found was quite handy when it came to convincing others that one genuinely possessed some amount of knowledge on a topic. 

Even if one knew next to nothing about a particular subject, if one was capable of rambling at length about it, regardless of whether or not one actually said anything relevant or of value, others would still come to believe that one was knowledgeable in the subject field in question.It was a highly effective strategy, one which they had utilized time and time again to great success.If you spouted enough nonsense that sounded at least vaguely intelligent or sagely, the majority of people would think you were wise.With some people, this could be attributed to the fact they simply didn’t know anything about whatever you chose to rant about.With others, this could be attributed to the fact that they knew something about the subject at hand, but were afraid that they merely didn’t know as much as you did, and as a result, they didn’t want to risk seeming ignorant by questioning anything you said.It was rather foolproof that way.The only people who were immune to the technique were people who actually possessed a considerable amount of knowledge on the topic being discussed, as they would be able to see right through the act you put on.From what Orestes and Iphicles had discovered, this generally led to unpleasant confrontations of some sort, where the individual with whom they were conversing called them out over their ridiculous rambling, and accused them of being utter, idiotic frauds, an accusation which perhaps contained some small kernel of truth. 

Still, it was still sometimes possible to worm out of these situations as well, using verbal distraction techniques, such as obfuscating the point of what you were saying to the point of indiscernibility.If your speech was roundabout and loquacious enough, whoever you were talking to was bound to lose the plot somewhere along the line.Of course, there was always the danger that this might only serve to provoke further rather on said individual’s part.Still, all things considered, this was usually a risk worth taking, considering the likelihood of this outcome was slightly less than the likelihood of the individual with whom you were conversing merely being bewildered to the point of inaction due to abject confusion.This particular outcome provided an opportunity to escape from the confines of the conversation while the other participant, or participants, for that mattered, were caught up in the ordeal of deciphering the meaning of your last verbose statement.While there was always yet the possibility of further complications even at this point in a conversation, such as the party with whom you had been conversing deciding to pursue you with the intent of extracting more concrete, comprehensible answers from you using whatever means were the most efficient, most individuals were either unwilling to go to such lengths, regardless of how much they wished to discover what you had actually been saying, or, alternatively, and rather more likely too, based on what Orestes and Iphicles had seen, they weren’t all that interested in what you had to say at the beginning of the conversation, and had only been listening out of a respect for politeness ingrained by social constructs and patterns. 

In reality, there were relatively few people who really cared about what you had to say to them, or so Orestes had once been told by a former business associate of his, a certain soldier under whom he had once worked, who, while not the most pleasant of individuals, was quite good at his job.Everyone else just viewed as a means to some sort of end, or a necessary evil encountered in the process.Or so this solider had believed.Orestes couldn’t say that he held an identical view himself.He was rather more optimistic when it came to contemplating the motives of those with whom he interacted with on a regular basis.Nonetheless, he could see that this perspective held a fair amount of wisdom, which could still be applied to common life, even if it was not taken to be the absolute, irrefutable truth.

Orestes grinned, realizing that an appropriate way to respond to his companion would be via a similarly opaque.“Ah, well, my good Iphicles,” he began, clearing his throat.“I understand that there is a matter you wish to discuss with me, though I must say that I feel the way in which you chose to convey this information to me was most excessive, to the point of being painfully grandiose.There is no feature of the situation in which we currently ourselves which would warrant such outstanding circumlocution.While I must admit that I admire your proficiency in the area of verbosity, I cannot condone such grandiloquence under these circumstances.Nor can I idly stand by and listen to you conduct yourself in such a matter, for to do so might be perceived as tacitly giving my approval to it, something which I have no intention of doing.Taking this into account, I am afraid that I am forced to firmly censure you.Please note that you have been mercilessly excoriated, and count yourself lucky that your dignity remains somewhat intact, if not absolutely unshaken.Now, all of that out of the way, I shall agree to engage of this discourse of which you speak, in spite of the potential dangers it may hold.Now that I have assented to this matter, would you be so kind as to reveal the subject with which this discussion you intend for us to carry out is concerned?I feel that a preview of sorts is only appropriate before we begin in earnest.”

Iphicles chuckled lightly, shaking his head.“Well now, Orestes, I must confess, there is no real matter I wish to discuss.Truth be told, I was merely testing your ability to comprehend the utter inanity which I spewed forth.You performed quite admirably.”

Orestes rolled his eyes, imitating irritation.“Truth be told, I feel as though I should have expected something of the sort from the very start of this conversation, and am rather disappointed that I did not expect it.I fear that my perception skills may be diminishing in potency.This is something I must look into further.”

Iphicles covered his mouth to hold back his laughter.“Ah, but of course my friend, I am sure that that is doubtlessly a wise course of action.However, have you considered the possibility that your powers of perception are merely limited owing to the prolonged period of disuse which they have suffered?I find it possible, probable even, that your abilities have decreased because you have not used them frequently enough.It is fully reasonable to believe that this state of affairs might be remedied by you putting these powers into action more frequently.I would be more than willing to assist you in such a pursuit.”

“You would?”Orestes inquired, trying to hide his amusement.

“I would indeed,” Iphicles confirmed.“Far be it from me to lie to you or to masquerade as possessing abilities which in truth, I lack.That would be a most egregious perversion of justice, one which I can view as nothing less than absolutely vile.”

“My, my, good Iphicles,” Orestes observed, “That is a rather strong denouncement.Is such a harsh condemnation truly necessary in order to communicate the strength of your beliefs on the subject?”

“While normally, I would say that they are not, in this particular case, I feel that they truly are,” Iphicles responded.

“Ah well, I suppose there is nothing which can be about it then,” Orestes opined.“I will simply make do and try my hardest to tolerate your dearth of restraint.”

“By all means, I encourage you to do so.I doubt you will be successful.”

“We shall see, we shall see,” Orestes mused.“Who can say for certain what the future may contain.That is knowledge to which neither of us is in the least privy to,”

“Sadly, you are correct my friend,” Iphicles concurred.The two men shook their hoods, displaying mutual disappointed for a further moment, before simultaneously bursting into a light explosion of laughing.

“That was quite good you know,” Orestes complimented Iphicles.

“Why thank you very much,” Iphicles accepted the compliment graciously.“I believe that I may well have learned from the best.Someone who truly is an expert in the art.”

“Really now?”Orestes said with a grin.“How fortuitous for you.”

“Indeed, indeed,” Iphicles agreed.


End file.
